Re-Entry: The Fight Just After a Vacation

Many couples notice that upon arriving home from a vacation, they immediately find something to fight about. It could be delayed by distractions or exhaustion but eventually the argument begins. I call this Re-Entry. Sometimes it can happen after getting home from a lovely day together or a pleasant date night. You might think of it as a reaction to closeness as a couple. What is astounding is that no one expects it to happen again. Even though if they kept track, they would see it has happened after almost every vacation.

                  I like to think of Re-Entry as a virus that is highly contagious. It can pass from one partner to the other or from the parents to the children. It evolves from a period of unusual closeness and seems to come out of nowhere. Some blame it on jet lag, exhaustion or built-up resentments.  Arguments can start about suitcases left in the hallway or charge cords left at the hotel and then escalate into full blow fights over seemingly insignificant topics. It can be very difficult for the couple to recognize it until there is a full-blown viral infection.

                  How can Re-Entry be prevented or at least lessened? I like to begin before the trip starts and have a couple set their intentions for the vacation in front of each other. How do you each want to feel when you get home? Do you want to feel rested or exhilarated? Do you want to feel more connected? Do you want to feel you got a break from work? Talking about intentions allows each partner to be aware of the other’s expectations for the time away. After the vacation I suggest that a couple or family pause before going into the house. Perhaps stop somewhere for a meal or visit a park before arriving home. Sometimes this break is just enough to lighten the viral load and ease the Re-Entry symptoms.

                  Once you find yourself in the grip of this affliction, you can still do something. Stop, look at your partner and say “Hey, this is just Re-Entry, let’s not do it.” “It’s only the virus and we can change our trajectory here”. It is possible to let go of whatever irritating things you are fighting about. It takes two people to fight. If one stops the other has to stop.  Give your partner a smile and a gratitude for having a great vacation. Agree to come back to the source of the disagreement another time.